In 1992, I had reached a point in one’s life, possibly a mid-life, not necessarily a crisis, but at a point where I felt I needed some help. Being fired from jobs, the tension in my marriage at the time, and more… Perhaps my tendency to dig in and be determined, avoid external help might have delayed the impulse to seek succour was a factor, but seek help I did. I found Nick Duffell, his practice, then in Finchley road, he offered me two sessions a week for the first six weeks, then once a week for about a year, finally, another year as part of a group. During this period we practiced Psychosynthesis, a discipline where the objective is to examine one’s life and relationships using a variety of techniques emerging from psychoanalysis and other disciplines to facilitate self-development and growth.
One ‘breakthrough’ session concluded with Nick asking me to do my homework (often he did), which to draw my soul. I reminded myself how I loved to draw, and I enthusiastically took a piece of thick watercolour paper and, using a pencil, drew out an intensely detailed sketch of ‘spaghetti’. It revealed to me how confused and unpleasant I felt, also how I had neglected a creative aspect, the joy of releasing my imagination.
It spoke of the ‘scripts’ I followed, namely, seeking dull or stressful low fulfilment money jobs, illustrated the mental confusion my ‘head’ was living in, the battle of ‘right and left brain’, and many others.
Not to dwell on what I learned from our sessions here, but the outcomes/solutions emerged gradually. I showed the sketch to Nick and he was surprised at its effort, encouraging me to paint it on canvas, (I had never done before). The original sketch is lost now.
The clues to what it meant still emerge, some may never be in time to reveal themselves in time before I die, one of them may be my later diagnosis of ADHD and autism.
My love of practicing ‘art’ was another. I went on to learn how to paint in the Tibetan style, teaching one patience and challenging one’s practical skills. My early desire to be trained in or to pursue a career in ‘art’ was squashed by my father, he did his best to steer me away. In any case, at 63, I embarked on an MA in computational art, bridging the skills I acquired in the commercial world and to explore a little more of the subject in a structured, measured environment.
I have had many negative comments about the six foot by six foot oil piece from my family, it is now rolled up in a corner of my work room, possibly I will re-frame it but it is hard to show because of its size.